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Secret Tips for Sneaking NFL Sporting Memorabilia Past Your Wife |
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Thursday, 12 July 2007 |
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It’s happened to you. You know it. It’s happened to all of us. You’ve gone online, or to some major sporting event, and there it is. A piece of NFL history. A relic deserving of a place of honor in that big NFL field in the sky. An item so precious that it is worth any price, any torment, if it could only be yours. Finally it’s in your hands, sitting on your lap as you make that drive home and wonder, “What on earth am I going to tell my wife?”
Unfortunately, the love of your life does not share your passion for pigskin, beer and the slapping of the butts of sweaty men as they run on to the playing field. She, in her foolish naïveté, believes that Sundays are for church and family meals, and does not understand why you would rather sit in front of the television watching a bunch of men chase a ball around a field than sit at the kitchen table for two hours discussing your failures as a husband and father with your mother in law (if you are one of the fortunate men that gets to skip this analysis during family meals go out and buy your mother in law the biggest bouquet of flowers you can get your hands on, for you are truly blessed). Whether you are blessed with an understanding and forgiving mother in law or not (and you’d best phrase that description in precisely those words, or the woman is likely to light into you for your utter lack of sensitivity in understanding how she has kept her mouth shut all these years; it’s nothing personal, you could be Sylvester Stallone and she still wouldn’t think you were good enough for her little girl because you’re in those “violent movies”) your better half is never going to understand what just possessed you to drop one thousand dollars on an autographed helmet. You are going to have to quickly come up with a cover story. Listed below are the ten best lines for sneaking that helmet back home without your loving spouse ever suspecting a thing. 10. “I thought it would make a great planter”
9. “A football helmet? I thought it was one of those donut things”
8. “George made me do it”
7. “You should have seen what else they had”
6. “I thought you’d like it. It’s your favorite color” (duck quickly after this one)
5. “It’s for the baby” (if you are not yet a father, duck after this one as well)
4. “I almost had his pants too, but he was too quick” (she won’t want to know)
3. “Oh God, where’s the rest of the body?!”
2. “It must have followed me home. Can we keep it?”
1. “I bought it for you honey” |
